Wednesday, March 21, 2012

How Babies (And Marriages) Are Made: A Lesson From the Monitor

Kids are so funny. And curious. And are the reason I still use the baby monitor...


Resident imps at the House of Leprechauns


Saturday night at bedtime: I sat between the boys' bed, chatting quietly with them in the dark and listening to Luke name his body parts, beginning with his head: hair, forehead, eyes, chin. He traveled down, cheerfully naming them all, until he got to his privates.

(Gird yours now, because it's about to get...informative... around here.)

"And this is my pee-pee!" he announced, triumphantly, in that way of boys the world over. "But Mummy, what are the things after my pee-pee?"

"They're called testicles."

"Those bally things are called testicles?"

"Yep. Testicles."

"What do they do?"

While I willed myself to breath, Matthew jumped in, "It's where the seeds to make a baby are."

Said Luke, "Seeds? In the testicles?"

Matthew: "Yeah. The seeds make a baby in Mummy's belly. They stay in the testicles, kind of like when chipmunks store nuts for the winter."

*Brief pause here for me to die laughing, in my head. *

"Matthew's right." I said briskly, hoping to end the entire dialogue, and be quick about it. Alas, I was not quick enough, because Matthew had more to share:

"Then the seeds come of Daddy's pee-pee and he puts them in Mummy's belly and they grow into a baby."

Wait for it, dear readers......wait for it............









"How does Daddy gets the seeds from his pee-pee
 into Mummy's belly?"


Somewhere along the way, Mark (listening from downstairs) had the good (?) sense to grab the camera and record the rest of this unexpected and awkward conversation, via the monitor.

 It's a bit hard to hear, but if you turn your speakers up, I'm confident that you'll be able to hear me cringing as I fumbled my way through.

Hint: Listen for the incredulous and horrified, "YUCK!" from Matthew.




I'm also confident that (when you've finished giggling, at my expense) you'll join me for a Baileys wee drink. 

After that mess of a conversation, I reckon we could all use one!


And you? How have/will you handle(d) your kids' important (but awkward) questions?


















24 comments:

  1. LOL!! this is so funny! im going to show Bradley this one.

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  2. Ha! It's so embarrassing, I felt compelled to share it with the world, if only as a "what-NOT-to-say" video for parents! Glad you liked it and thanks for popping by, Ferashtah!

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  3. um.....um.....um......i'm speachless. I like to say "i'll explain it to you when you're older" Can you imagine the conversation that will happen in school tomorrow!! Oh mamma!

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  4. You did GREAT! You can't brush off their questions or they'll get their info somewhere else. Excellent job Belly! You gave them answers and no more details than what they wanted at the time. Kudos to you!

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  5. At first I turned the volume way down since my littles' are hanging out with me today- but then I thought...what the heck- have a listen. Cause it's likely going to take a few times through for them to really grasp the whole idea anyway! I love this conversation- and I love that your husband recorded it! This is a piece of history that you will be able to listen too again as they grow. I may be a mean Mommy, but I would so play it at their weddings:)

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    1. It is indeed a piece of history....and is for SURE fodder for their therapists, for which the savings have already begun.

      Did your kids notice/pay attention? I'm so glad that I couldn't see the boys' faces as I um...uh,d my way through - I can only imagine their horror-stricken looks!

      Thanks for popping over, Jenn! :)

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  6. Thanks, Campers...Carrie I *did* tell I'd explain it all when they're older, until Luke asked, ever-so-nicely, "Could you explain it now, please?" And then I was done for!

    Colleen, I shudder to think a) what they'd learn otherwise and b) how many other parents will cursing me this week...LOL!

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  7. You rock! I'll sent the girls over for their little chat with you when you're done with school for the year; you could fill in what they were too embarrassed to ask me.

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    1. Send 'em on over. Why traumatize only two children, when I can horrify and traumatize an entire city? Baaahhaaaaa!!!!

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  8. omg. Heaven help me, that may be the best thing I've listened to in years. Thanks for being who you are and stumbling your way through all that so I could have a nice chuckle! I love you!!

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    1. Well, I love you, too. And I'm glad I made you giggle. When your turn comes, and it will, when you least expect it, think of me.

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  9. I love it! I thought you handled it quite well and did a good job in explaining.
    I love even more that your husband recorded it - truly priceless!!

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    1. Thanks so much, Jenny! Nice to "see" you here, too. My husband saved his own hide by recording it, because I came down the stairs ready to chew him out, and then saw the camera.

      Boys.

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  10. Oh my. This is a must listen. On my to do list. Amelia now knows how babies come out. She has expressed no interest in how they get in. Soon enough I'm sure that will come soon enough.

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  11. Oh my. This is a must listen. On my to do list. Amelia now knows how babies come out. She has expressed no interest in how they get in. Soon enough I'm sure that will come soon enough.

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    1. It will, my friend. Likely when your bleary-eyed from lack of sleep and can't put two words together. When the time comes,remember this....

      You're welcome! :)

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  12. I played this 10 times. Sooooooo funny! Tweeted

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  13. Ha! I've played it over and over, too. And I giggle every time and then think, "The children will not thank you for this. But it's so worth it!"

    Thanks for the tweet, pet!

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  14. Elizabeth McLennan - you really are fucking awesome!

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  15. AWESOME!
    My favorite...
    Liz:"You can't get married until you're twenty-five."
    Son: "Yeah."

    What a great conversation. So funny! Maybe I should record my chat...

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    1. Please, pleeassee record yours! And then post it. We'll split on future therapy for the children.

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  16. Oh my god! LOL. Liz you're too wonderful. I replayed that at least 10 times. I needed a good belly laugh. :)

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