Friday, June 10, 2011

Now I Lay Me Down to F*cking Sleep...

Ah, sleep. How I miss getting a full night of it.

To be fair, the Reds are pretty good about going to sleep. It's the STAYING asleep that confounds them. That they can rush about all day, full of energy and yet awaken mere hours later, ready to play confounds me. Many's a night that finds me wearing a path between their room and mine, refilling water cups, rubbing aching knees, banishing monsters, drying tear-stained cheeks.

And if by chance I don't go to them, I can rest, assured that my darling boys will always come to me.

Most mornings find Mark protecting himself with all the pillows, me clinging to the edge of the bed with someone's tiny elbow lodged in my nostril, and somebody else's whole body curled between my legs.

I drool. Two of us snore and three of us grind our teeth.

Isn't that a lovely mental picture?

It could be worse. It used to BE worse, when Luke was born and nursed every 10 minutes. Matthew kind of lost his mind and took to shrieking like a banshee at odd hours - usually after midnight and before dawn. It was, as you can imagine, a very challenging time as a parent. DH could - and still does - sleep through anything so I was on my own. How I wish I'd had this book then:

"Go the Fuck to Sleep!" by Adam Mansbach

It's pure, unadulterated, adult-oriented, parent-centric, HYSTERICAL genius.

I know you've heard of it, because it's been all over the news and discussed heatedly on parenting boards everywhere. Some parents are shocked and aghast, but they're usually the parents of newborns, who believe that they've come through the worst of the sleep-deprivation.


Most parents cheer and applaud Mr. Mansbach's brutal, potty-mouthed honesty and this book was written for them. For all of us, really, if we're honest about it.  My friend Moe sent it to me and UPS (yay, man in uniform!) dropped it off today. I've been giggling and reminiscing and reciting it under my breath ever since.

A snippet for you because I think that you should go and buy up every copy you can find - give it as a shower gift, parting gift, gag gift, whatever. It is, quite possibly, the best bedtime story I have EVER read:

"The tiger reclines in the simmering jungle.
The sparrow has silenced her cheep.
Fuck your stuffed bear, I'm not getting you shit.
Close your eyes. Cut the crap. Sleep."

Pass it on. Genius such as this deserved to be celebrated and shared!


  1. I find it so funny how people got all offended over this book. The only offensive thing is if you actually read it to your kid! I would love to have had this to read and laugh over on those nights when I felt like crying over the lack of sleep.

  2. I know, right? I mean, I love and adore my children, but there were many, many, MANY nights when I could have happily hurled them out the window, if I weren't too tired to lift them.

    The book cracks me up completely!

  3. I'm glad you like it.
    Can't wait for the sequels (hoping)

    "Shut the fuck up"
    "Sit the fuck down"
    "Fucking Listen!"
    and the last one
    "No I don't have any fucking money."


  4. I tweeted Adam Mansbach - so hope he pops by, sees those titles and rushes off to pen more hilarious genius stuff!

    Thanks, Moe. You're the best! xo

  5. OMG! I am crying I am laughing so hard...thank you for making my day.